Mark Zuckerberg certainly didn’t come up with these rules. If you are reading this, I am assuming you have WhatsApp and you do use it. It may not be your most used communicating app or you most favourite, but you have it and you use it. Let me digress a bit, don’t you just dislike WhatsApp? Especially now. I don’t know if its all these updates oro yini but its not the same anymore. Its the groups, its the statuses, its the voicenotes…hay kuningi and apparently now we are reserving user names? But kusharp I guess. 

Anyway back to isiqokoqela sendaba mahlabezulu. WhatsApp has been one world that deserved rules, unofficially. There is a great need for governance in that place and we all know there are rules. Yours may be different from mine but they are there. 

Let’s start with the biggest offence of all, sending a message that simply says, “Hi.”

Just “Hi.”

Kodwa Felicia? Uthi kuthiweni manje? 

No context. No question. No indication of whether you’re about to ask for money, hook me up with a writing gig (hello…hire me guys) or you’re about to make plans that I have no interest in. Now I’m held hostage because I have to reply before you reveal why you interrupted my peace. GET STRAIGHT TO THE POINT. 

And while we’re here, can we agree that voice notes should come with a running time and a warning? If your voice note is longer than Leonard Zhakata’s song ‘Hupenyu Mutoro’ song, then for sure you’re making my hupenyu mutoro. If its not tea, please keep it short. ITS THE LEAST YOU CAN DO FOR THE OTHER PERSON. 

Then there are the blue ticks. The most misunderstood invention since the “Reply All” button. Just because I read your message doesn’t mean I have the mental energy to answer it immediately. Sometimes I opened it while buying tomatoes. Sometimes I’m in a meeting. Sometimes I read it, started thinking about my response, and got distracted by a reel of a husband eating hair relaxer. Life happens. WENA UNGANGENI NGE HEART CHETE. 

Another unspoken rule is you can’t be adding people to a WhatsApp group without asking first. We may not complain out loud, but we do complain. No one likes that shit. More annoying if the group has 247 members, no clear purpose, and someone is already sending threatening chain messages very early in the morning, ‘forward this to 10 groups and you will live forever.’ AND YOU BELIEVE THAT MUSA? 

Bible statuses also deserve their own chapter. Some people update gazillion statuses. Ah kodwa guys? Y’all know data is expensive right? And speaking of, can someone who knows someone at Econet get me a deal or something for data? Deal Nyana? No? You put all those statuses because you want us to see them, BUT PLEASE TONE IT DOWN A BIT. 

Finally, there is the universal truth that no one will admit. We have all typed a long message, read it back, deleted the entire thing, and settled for laughing emojis 😂😂. Because somehow, those two emojis communicate everything. SOMETIMES ITS REALLY NOT THAT DEEP SWEERY. 

WhatsApp isn’t just an app anymore. It’s now a workplace, a family gathering, a neighbourhood noticeboard, a marketplace, a dating app, a complaint desk and, occasionally, an actual messaging platform. With all this happening, these unofficial rules can make it a better place. 

And honestly? I think these unofficial rules are our greatest achievement as a species.

Love & light 🧡